‘Man’-Canada Review | Part One

~BIO~

Are you ready to face The Beast?

Well well well… that just makes me intrigued.

Up ahead is a rather lengthy Canada bio. Just at a glance, it seems like it’ll be an interesting read… especially since I rarely come across ‘Man-Canada’ (Manada?) accounts.

As always, I am treating this review as if I’m a new friend for this account: commenting as I read.

Let’s get started… Elizabeth?

 I’m sorry, I really wanted to use this GIF!  

- This is constantly under construction.
- This consists of Admin rambling and head-canons.
- The rest of this is said OOC.
- THIS IS NOT UKE CANADA.
- This is one of the longest bios you will ever read.
- This is everything you will ever need to know about the Canada I RP.
- This is all original, from the admin’s head. I hope.
- This could be Sparta if you really want it to be.

Very effective way to start a bio, especially by stating right off the bat that it’s constantly under construction: it shows that you aren’t just missing parts of your bio because you’re too lazy to type them up. The little facts about how the bio is written and how you roleplay Canada are good to have in the beginning: it gives a quick preview of what to expect.

“YOU ACTUALLY EXPECT ME TO READ THIS?”

Yes.
But here’s the TL;DR version.

- Man-Canada
-Tall
- Kind of irritable
- I try to play him as a person rather than a stereotype.

Putting the TL;DR version right up at the top? Brilliant. It gets the major facts about the character across for those who don’t want to/have the time to scroll through a long wall of text.

Kudos to you, sir or madame.

APPEARANCE:

Matthew is tall (188cm/6”3) and a little lanky. He has strawberry blonde hair that waves to his jaw and that one rambunctious lock that just won’t lie flat. If you are a Russia, he will always be just shorter than you. If you are an America, he /will/ be taller – my head canon is that landmass dictates height. It’s stupid and badly thought out, but it is clung to.

It bothers me a little that this jumps from his height, to his hair, and then back to his height. I would put the height description and headcanon together, then describe his hair, but that’s just me. *cough* English Nazi *cough*

His irises are indigo (violet/lavender seem a little girly and just plain unnatural), and he has congenital myopia, meaning that he can’t see far away, but he sees things close by just fine. His glasses are wire-framed, and he can see pretty well without them, but after a few hours the strain on his eyes will give him a headache.

No real argument about the iris color (hey, it’s a shade of purple), but violet/lavender eyes aren’t totally unnatural. I believe some forms of albinism turns the irises that color… but I digress.

He has a piercing in the point of his right ear. He doesn’t usually wear a stud in it though, only when he’s feeling a little different. Though, once it’s in, he tends to forget it’s there and has worn it to more than one meeting with assorted presidents.

Don’t really see a problem with a piercing.

“Assorted presidents.” Not completely sure what you mean by this, but Canada doesn’t have a president in it’s government: it’s a Prime Minister.

There’s a tattoo of a black crow just under his left collarbone towards his shoulder. It’s only about two inches across. The design is fairly tribal, and every decade or so, he goes and has the ink touched up.

Don’t really see a problem with that. Though, I would think a personified nation would get the national animal (or the animal the country is known for) instead of what seems like a random bird.

Yes, he is a man. Yes, he is a tall, well-built man. Yes, if he hasn’t had any coffee he will look like he’s been lured down from a mountain with a hunk of meat. In some instances, that might actually be true. Yes, if you compare him to a girl he will punch your fucking face in. Have a nice day.

Have a nice day? After that lovely image?

While the coffee bit is a bit humorous (I’m sure most of us have looked like that at one point in time), the ‘he’ll punch your face in, have a nice day’ seems a bit over-exaggerated. Also, I can’t help but be bothered that this popped up after a piercing and tattoo description. If anything, I feel this should be one of the first things mentioned in this section, especially since this is indeed a Manada account.

He’s reserved, and prefers not to speak until he has something worth saying, but he’s no push-over and can be very aggressive when provoked. Though he can be shy around strangers.

This little bit is a description of his personality, not his appearance. Once again, the slight jumping around bothers me; it would make more sense to mention how shy and reserved he is at the same time, then go into how he’s not a pushover and can get aggressive. Following that, maybe list who or what provokes him.

He favours practical clothes that allow for ease of movement and comfort rather than style (hence the universal hoodie and loose jeans.) He also likes t-shirts and hates suits; ties especially make him feel like he’s choking.

Not going to lie: read that last sentence and wondered what a “hates suit” was. I would suggest adding a comma after ‘t-shirts’ and changing ‘and’ to ‘but’. Never know if someone will make the same mistake as I just did.

Under the clothes, he has pale skin, and a few silvery scars, not as many as other countries, but his share. He has a burn mark on his chest from when Alfred had a go at York. He has a few (very faint) pockmarks on his skin from when the settlers brought their diseases (And people wonder why Canada has good healthcare; Matt /loathes/ getting sick. It’s a waste of his time). He also has the everyman’s (nation’s?) collection of musket balls, sabre slashes, burns, bullet-holes and stab wounds littered about his body. He actually still has grapeshot in his hip from WWI, and it makes going through metal detectors a bit of a pain.

Not all of his scars are from wars or battles. He has one set of claw marks on his left bicep and another on the small of his back (separate occasions). There’s also a really large bit mark on the right side of his ribcage. If you get close enough to his face, you can see a faint scar on his left cheekbone and one through his right eyebrow, a lot of pale freckles and the places where he has split his lips playing hockey.

Incorporate history with scars is a really good way to throw random tidbits of information out there (though I wouldn’t really go so far as to say getting sick is a waste of his time). “He also has the everyman’s (nation’s?)”— consider rewording this, it’s a bit confusing.

He’s just as strong, if not stronger than America, but he is more restrained, so he doesn’t go around throwing cars through walls, or swinging bison (he does heft Kuma, the full-size polar-bear, around without thinking too much about it, though.)

Hmm… this would work better if it followed after the “manly man” description, and put both of those near the top. Kumajiro is part of the package with a Canada account (obviously), and the apparently high testosterone level and masculinity of this Canada is what makes him ‘original’. Definitely something you should put in the beginning.

ABOUT:

//Please note: this is not whiny, wimpy, crying uke Canada. He will bottom, but don’t expect him to take it like a three-year-old with a scraped knee, okay? In fact, he kind of likes to top, and if you give him the smallest fraction of an opportunity, he will. For that reason, he’s quite OOC, but I’ve had enough of Canada’s who shake and shiver and can’t get through a sentence without sounding like they’ve got hypothermia.//

Thank you! Most of the Canada’s I run into are the same way: a shaking, stammering boy dare I say weakling that can’t stand up for himself and ends up a blushing ukes with overactive tear ducts. No, I’m not saying all Canada’s are like that, it’s my personal experience. However, it is nice to see an up in masculinity.

Matthew is, generally speaking, an easy-going, soft-spoken person. He believes that people should just play by the rules and get along with each other. He wants world peace to be a reality, but he’s still a bit less polite than with is strictly canon. He will be as polite as he can be unless he’s provoked. At which point he’ll take the phrase “I don’t start fights, but I can sure finish them,” to heart and will proceed to do just that.

Alright, that little “reserved, shy, but can be provoked” description back up in Appearance? That would probably fit smack dab in the middle of this paragraph. Not only does it fit (and leap out of the Appearance section), but it adds a little more to his easy-going and soft spoken side.

I would mention a little bit about what provokes him, since you mention it a few times. Who or what provokes him the most? The least?

He really has to be pushed to hit a woman. He believes that women are just as strong as men and even a little sneakier when it comes to a fight, but they are squishier, and he’s fully conscious of this. He’s also a little terrified that if he fights a woman, she’ll win and America will ridicule him for it.

I see that “I won’t hit a girl” thing in quite a few bios, but it’s nice to see a solid reasoning why a certain character won’t do it without provocation. And the little “America will ridicule him” fear? Classic brotherly relationship.

Though I’m a little confused on the “but they are squishier” comment, I don’t see anything wrong with this.

He really can be a royal hoser though. The second biggest douche on the planet. If he’s being purposefully mean, you will know about it.

Well then. That was… a bit random— wait, so who’s the first biggest douche?

He’s wakes up early, but he’s a complete bear before noon. (If you’ll pardon the bear joke.)

HE DOES NOT SUBSIST ENTIRELY ON MAPLE SYRUP AND PANCAKES! For the love of God! Pancakes, with maple syrup or without, do not contain the required nutrients to sustain a human being. The meal is entirely fats, sugars and starch. Yes, he has a jaw-full of sweet teeth and syrup scratches his sugar-itch, but he also likes spicy things. The hotter the better!

The constant obsession with maple syrup in Canada muses is almost as annoying as the uke, kawaii hypothermia. Glad this admin moved away from that stereotype.

Due to his formative years spent wandering around the Canadian backwoods, Matt isn’t exactly an animal lover per se. He has respect for the creatures in his land, but if he’s stuck in a snowstorm with a wild animal and it’s eat or be eaten, he’s going to eat. As much as he respects them, in all fairness they spent the first hundred or so years of his life trying to eat him. For this reason, he has a serious beef with grizzly bears. Polar bears, for some reason, he can handle – they’re kind of cute – but he’s had more than one run in with Ursus Arctus hand has a legitimate reason to be afraid of them. He even has the scars to prove it. (See: Appearance)

Bears aren’t the only dangerous animal in Canada: cougars, coyotes, wolves, wolverines, moose… Though I see why you would focus on that specific animal because of his scars, a little suggestion would be to add some other animals. Has he had any experiences with the animals previously listed?

He loves learning. He wants to make his country better for his people, and sometimes pretends (well, kind of) to be a government official and goes around asking Canadians what needs to be done.

Little random, but seems all good aside from that.

He is Hockey Canada; essentially what he’s like with a stick in his hands and skates on his feet. Quite close to snapped! Or 2P! Canada, but not quite. He’s not going to go around offing people, but he can be quite insane at times. He’ll act like a sweetie while he’s practically torturing you. Or actually torturing you; your choice.

Okay, why would you choose between being actually and practically tortured?

With that little question, this part is a bit misplaced. Prior to this, his want to survive and learn is mentioned, then it suddenly changes to his insane side? Kinda pops out of nowhere, and should be put with the more ‘negative’ descriptions through this section.

That said; dear Mattie does have a fluffier side. He loves to take care of people (when he’s not beating the living shit out of them, apparently). He takes France as a role-model in romantic situations, and is perfectly capable of charming the pants right off of you. He has an idealised idea of romance, but appreciates that that doesn’t really happen a lot of the time. Charming is something that he learnt on his Papa’s knee, and hasn’t forgotten; he will go out of his way to be suave.
WARNING: The admin is a die-hard romantic. If he gets too flowery, then beat her with the reality stick.

Again, a sudden flip of the coin, but it does tie in to the previous paragraph. It seems a bit cocky to say he’ll charm the pants right off another character, seeing as how there are a few canon characters and OCs out there that would be unamused, not care, or get offended instead of being charmed. Then again, he did learn from France—

Nice little warning, by the way.

For communication’s sake he doesn’t use a lot of French, but when he’s sleepy, angry, upset or feeling other strong emotions, he can slip into it a little (it was one of the first languages he was taught, and it’s stuck with him).

What about whenever he goes to Quebec? That province’s official language is French, and is dominated by French speakers

When he can’t get to an ice-rink, he plays field hockey. It’s not his favourite (if push comes to shove, he prefers Lacrosse) but he’s more likely to get a team together for field hockey if he’s not on home turf. He plays forward, either centre or winger.

I don’t speak sports, but I’m assuming those are the people that start off in the middle of the field, having glaring wars with the other team!

His guilty pleasure is having a glass of red wine after a particularly stressful day, or eating junk food while he works (or when he feels sluggish/nostalgic).

Random little fact, but there’s nothing wrong with guilty pleasures.

WRITING SAMPLE:

Arthur sipped at his champagne, his mind far from the glittering lights and pleasant laughter of this Parisian ballroom. There were plenty of people to talk to, and living with Francis meant that his French was conversationally up to par, but he had no desire to talk to the Frenchman’s glitterati friends, or the A-list starlets his fiancé had brought with her. It was a lovely engagement party, to be sure, but they weren’t really the Englishman’s sort of people, and he wasn’t really in the mood to exchange empty pleasantries. But when one attends the engagement party of a rock star come pop-idol and the film director that even the most dour of critics call a revolutionary, it can only be expected that mindless chit-chat should be made with the upper echelons of The Beautiful People, of whom Francis and Jeanne were presently king and queen.

It was so very bloody stupid to be so very blood hung up on someone so very bloody-minded whom he’d met for two fucking weeks, six fucking months ago. If he’d known that Alfred would take it so badly he would have told him from the get go. Or would he have? He didn’t know.

^If you recognise that, yes, that’s me, and I would love to talk to you, in character or out.

I’m not sure why I crossed that all out instead of deleting it, but whatever…

Having a writing sample is actually a good thing to have in a bio. People considering roleplaying with you will have a taste of what your writing style is like, as well as how much you can put out in a standard post.

This shouldn’t be down in the middle of the bio, though. It should be up near the top, like right after the TL;DR bit.

——————————————————————————————————————

I’m not exactly sure how much of this bio I finished (it’s about half), so I’m going to end it here. I’ll finish it up sometime this week, whenever I get the time.

Until then…

-Captain Jack